You just discovered your partner is having an affair.  You are shocked, devastated, and angry. 

Do you know what do to after the discovery of an affair? You may be reeling with emotions from heartbreak to confusion to dread after the discovery.  

And you don’t know what to do or where to turn.  Your relationship is in crisis.  

After seeing hundreds of couples over more than 10 years of being a couples counselor, I have seen the impact affairs and betrayals of all types have had on couples. There are three types of couples:  the couple that ignores the problem, the couple that just fights about it, and the couple that realizes they can constructively work through this, and consciously decide if they want to be together or part ways.  And, if you decide to part ways, couples counseling can help you do that in an emotionally mature and respectful way.  

But at this stage, you don’t have to decide about the future of the relationship.  You have to stabilize the crisis.   

Consider the following:

 

DO’s After the Discovery

  1. Accept that your relationship is in crisis. And during a crisis, we focus on the basics.  Things like sleeping, eating, some degree of routine, choosing the right friends or family to provide support, and taking care of the children. 
  2. Acknowledge your range of feelings. They are all normal. 
  3. Know that you were not crazy if you suspected something was off, but were told everything is fine. 
  4. Know that you are not crazy if you think there is still more secrets being kept or don’t trust anything right now.  
  5. Get professional help ASAP.  An experienced couples counselor that has worked with affairs can help you take the right next steps. 

 

DON’Ts After the Discovery

 

  1. Don’t tell everyone.  Yes, you need support, but if you choose to repair the relationship, you will have allies that support you now that won’t support you if you choose to rebuild with your partner. 
  2. Don’t panic and don’t take radical action. Try your best to carry on–get the kids to school, eat if possible, sleep if possible. 
  3. See your individual therapist regularly if you have one, get one if you don’t.  
  4. Don’t file for divorce just yet, unless you are 100% sure that’s the direction you want to go. 
  5. Don’t attempt to destroy your partner’s reputation, career, or relationship with their affair partner. 
  6. Don’t tell the kids right away. This is not their burden to carry. And depending on their ages, it’s not appropriate for them to be exposed to this information.  

 

There is a lot to consider in the aftermath of an affair.  If your relationship needs help navigating after an affair was discovered, CONTACT MY OFFICE TODAY confidentially to discuss the next steps and see if I’d be the right therapist for you.