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“We felt worse after the last session”!
“We didn’t talk for days after the last session!”
“I thought we were going to break up!”
Why you might feel worse before feeling better in marriage therapy. Many times a couple comes to marriage counseling and discover that they actually feel worse afterwards, instead of better. What? Aren’t you supposed to feel better after therapy? There are a number of reasons for this, but do know that this is NORMAL and common. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing therapy right, or it’s not working.
5 Reasons Why You Might feel Worse Before Feeling Better in Marriage Therapy:
1. Having Hard Conversations
MARRIAGE THERAPY provides an opportunity to have Hard conversations in a safe environment. That means that you or your partner may share something that has been too difficult, or even impossible to broach at home. By talking about it in marriage counseling, it allows your therapist to observe your patterns, bring bad habits to your attention, provide “in the moment coaching” to try on new and different ways of engaging in the relationship, and help you create guidelines and strategies for safety in the relationship. But this process can be uncomfortable. Trust that you are on the right track, even if it feels painful at first.
2. Processing Painful Feelings
GROWTH AND CHANGE is not always possible without DISCOMFORT AND PAIN. As we let go of old ways of thinking, process old hurts and resentments, and take on new ways of being, there is going to be some growing pains. Similar in going to the gym, you might feel energized and less stressed, but you also might have some aches. In therapy we are pushing through old ways of being and creating new wiring. You are cleaning out old buildup of hurt, resentment, unexpressed thoughts and feelings, and dysfunctional communication styles. As we offload those habits and upload new, more productive ones, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first. But if we stick with it, it’s eventually going to feel natural and automatic.
3. Exploring Instead of Denying
AVOIDANCE and DENIAL In order to cope in relationships we sometimes decide to avoid tough topics or deny problems even exist…sometimes to keep the peace, sometimes for fear of losing a partner or relationship, and sometimes because we decide it just isn’t that important or not worth it. Picking your battles is fine, but only when that issue REALLY doesn’t matter to you. In therapy, we are choosing to look head on at the things that bother us, bring things out of the darkness, and examine things that otherwise may have been left to fester. When we do this it can be tough and painful! It’s common for a couple to worry that having these conversations could lead to breaking up. But what if you don’t share what bothers you now, or for years? This can lead to distance and resentment which can take longer to unpack, than if we have these hard conversations regularly.
4. Discovering Poor Agreements
POOR COUPLE AGREEMENTS, every couple has agreements, some overt, some covert. The more overt and clear you are with your agreements the more united, connected and respected you will feel in your relationship. For example who you can have relationships with, what you can share about your partner with others, and how to spend money.
Couples should talk about and agree before therapy about what is private. The more you share in therapy, the more you will get out of therapy. Your therapist can help you more, the more they know. But it’s fair to keep somethings private if you and your partner have agreed in advance. If your therapist asks something that you would prefer to not to bring into therapy it’s fair to say “That’s private for us”. I also expect you to check with your partner first, before disclosing something personal and private about them to the therapist.
Protecting each other’s reputation and “having each other’s back” is critical for building a strong and secure relationship. This can be strengthened by having strong couple agreements.
5. Discovering Deal Breakers
DISCOVERING UNRESOLVED DEAL BREAKERS Sometimes couples run into a “deal breaker” and don’t deal with it effectively. A potential deal breaker could be where to live, whether or not to have kids, and whether or not to open up their relationship to other partners. Potential deal breakers doesn’t have to threaten a relationship. It only threatens the relationship if NOT DEALT WITH EFFECTIVELY. But, dealt with effectively, a couple can negotiation a long lasting win-win outcome that deepens their understanding of themselves and their partners and brings them closer together. While discovering a potential deal breaker can be upsetting, it is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship if handled correctly.
If you are worried that marriage therapy will make things worse, or cause a breakup or divorce, CONTACT US TODAY so we can address your concerns and help you decide if couples counseling is right for you.
Tips on how to start a difficult conversation including, “Do we need couples counseling”?
