,The media we are surrounded with everyday constantly inundates use with messages about relationships. Romance and couples are everywhere in our society. And navigating the modern relationship landscape of connection and intimacy is no easy feat. Modern relationships are hard! Our society puts too much importance on the romantic heterosexual couple unit? And is that “gold standard” preventing people from connecting in other valid and meaningful ways? Today we can find ourselves asking the question “What does a relationship look like in today’s society?”
Couples were important historically to be the center of a nuclear family. Couples built a relationship to create an economic stability to be able to procreate and raise children. Modern relationships have in many ways failed to adapt to the changing landscape of relationships and society at large. Here are some ways this relationship structure has failed.
Failure #1
Too much focus on the early phase of a relationship (excitement, novelty, and a feeling of being alive).
The exciting early feelings in any relationship are not always sustainable, and when those feelings fade, you may feel like it’s a sign to move on. Losing those feelings of butterflies and excitement is part of the normal maturing in any long term relationship. Our focus on romance has set unrealistic expectations of what a healthy long term modern relationship should feel like.
Failure #2
If you don’t have a one long term partner, you are broken. Or a failure…or you aren’t worthy of love.
We can feel like a failure when cannot find the right person or “the one”. Many times in my office I’ve heard “Well, I guess I will just be single the rest of my life”. How sad that someone has destined themselves to being lonely. They may accept being miserable or feel like a failure if they don’t have a partner! People who aren’t in a long term relationship can have happy and robust lives full of human connection, and they deserve that just as much as a partnered person does.
Failure #3
It is not keeping up with the changing times.
Today’s modern relationship can look very different from the traditional relationships that existed twenty years ago. A new landscape of gender identity, coparenting, single parenting and blended families have all become part of the norm.
Today, women have become more financially independent. There is less dependence on a partner for financial security to build a family, to have a child, or financially afford to raise that child. Freezing eggs, sperm donors and IVF have all changed the avenues to procreation.
As a family therapist for almost 20 years, I’ve seen first hand that the nuclear family can have many problems. They can include domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse, neglect and pain. This is leaving people disillusioned with marriage and life long monogamy.
What’s the solution?
Be open to meeting your needs for connection, community, safety and emotional-physical-spiritual wellness in new ways. That may or may not include a two person relationship. It’s a lot of pressure to expect all our needs to be met by one person and the common needs of connection, belonging, community, and safety can be shared among a network of family, friends, and romantic partners.
How I can help:
As a couples counselor, I’ve been working with people in open relationships and consensual non-monogamous relationships for years and it has shown me that the principles that guide couples in building rewarding two person relationships can be applied to other types of relationships too, including poly relationships. Whatever the shape of your relationship. No matter what shape your relationship is the important cornerstones of trust, security, accountability, direct communication, honesty, fairness, and equity need to be present.
As a couples counselor I am not giving up on the two person relationship. Whatever the form your relationship takes, I can help you explore your feelings and find happiness.
Interested in counseling CONTACT MY OFFICE . I can help you explore what relationship structure best resonates with you and suits your needs.
