Improve Your Relationship With Couple Agreements

Relationship Problems Aren’t Always What You Think

You might be wondering why you and your partner are fighting so much when you know there’s love between you. You like a lot of the same things. You feel “compatible.” And yet… you’re arguing about who does the dishes, where to spend the holidays, and who’s responsible for what.

Most couples in this situation assume it’s a “communication problem.” You don’t feel heard or understood, and neither does your partner. You might even think, “If we just learned how to communicate better, things would get easier.”

Communication matters. But in my work as a relationship therapist, I’ve seen another key piece that often gets missed: strong couple agreements.

Why Couple Agreements Are So Powerful

Couple agreements are the shared understandings you and your partner create about how you’ll treat each other, how you’ll make decisions, and how you’ll handle the tricky stuff life throws at you.

Think about it — do you have clear agreements about:

• How to divide responsibilities at home?
• How to handle money and financial decisions?
• How much time to spend with friends, family, or each other?
• How you’ll support each other’s health and emotional well-being?
• How to navigate boundaries with certain people outside your relationship?

This idea comes from the PACT Institute and couples therapy expert Stan Tatkin. Agreements aren’t about “rules” you feel trapped by. In fact, your relationship already has rules — they’re just unspoken, and sometimes unclear. When you make those rules explicit and collaborative, you create a stronger foundation for your relationship to thrive.

The Kinds of Agreements I See in Couples Therapy

When couples work with me in couples therapy, we build agreements in all sorts of areas:

• Parenting approaches and family dynamics
• Emotional support styles
• Sexual connection and satisfaction
• Financial planning and budgeting
• Social life and friendships (including boundaries with exes)
• Time together versus time apart
• Future goals and ambitions

The more specific you get, the less room there is for misunderstanding — and the easier it is to work as a team when life gets messy.

Examples of Strong Couple Agreements

Consider sitting down and discussing these with your partner to establish your agreements together. Here are some examples from other happy couples that I’ve seen:

1. We value each other’s different approaches to parenting and respectfully work through any differences. 
2. We will always be there for each other emotionally (and physically) no matter what our mood, or how inconvenient. 
3. We will always work together to make sure our sexual and physical relationship is satisfying to each of us. When it’s not we will discuss ways to make it better that work for both of us. 
4. We make decisions about finances together and have clear rules for big purchases, “fun money” and transparency versus secrecy around finances.  We take a non-blaming & non shaming approach to financial difficulties. 
5. We govern our home and manage housekeeping responsibilities in a way that works to each partner’s strengths, adapts with flexibility to life changes that impacts designated roles, and we discuss it calmly when tasks aren’t getting done. 
6. We decide together how much time we spend with friends or together just us.  We also discuss how to manage relationships with ex’s or other people that could cause one of us to feel upset. 
7. We decide together and agree on how much time we allocate to activities together and activities apart. 
8. We agree as a couple that our goals and ambitions are both equality important and will always work to find ways to support each other’s dreams. 

Creating Your Own Couple Agreements

Set aside some time to talk with your partner about what’s important to each of you. Start with a few topics, get specific, and revisit the conversation regularly. Agreements aren’t set in stone — they grow as your relationship does.

If you want some guidance, I can help you create agreements that fit your life and values, whether through individual relationship counseling or couples therapy. Contact me today to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. We offer virtual couples therapy options, so whether you are in Denver or anywhere else in the world, you can still get the counseling support you’re looking for for your relationship.