Does couples counseling work? Couples counseling can be an amazing way to get your relationship back on track but sometimes couples will sadly say “Couples Therapy is Making our Relationship Worse!” For more on that and some possible reasons why that happens, click HERE. But if you’d like to know with confidence that your relationship counseling is working, read on:
Ten Ways to Know that Couples Therapy is Working:
1. Our counselor has helped us get clear about our GOALS for couples counseling and holds us accountable for reaching those goals with clear steps and strategies. The more clear you can be about what you are trying to accomplish in Couples Therapy, the more chance you will reach your goals.
2. You are clear about what you need to work on. Yes, YOU! Not what your partner needs to change. While I am sure you have a few (or more than a few) things that you would like your partner to improve on, you will get more from couples counseling by focusing on yourself, what your own areas of growth are and where you struggle in relationships.
3. In session, we practice new ways of communicating and engaging with each other. If you simply come to session and do the unproductive things with each other that you do at home, you will likely not see any progress or improvement. If you are willing to try something new, I have a ton of exercises and activities that can help you build those new relationship skills.
4. You are learning new skills and techniques for communicating, relating and engaging with your partner. My job is to help you build the specific skills that will help you feel confident that you have the tools to respond to any relationship situation. Your job is to use those skills at home, when things get hard, when you are tired, and even when you are frustrated or hopeless that anything will change.
5. You are feeling more connected, understood, seen and loved in your relationship. The relationship feels closer and you str more connected to your partner and know how to manage when things feel distant. We are able to clearly and directly communicate your needs and respond to your relationship needs.
6. You have more patience, insight, understanding and compassion for yourself and your partner in the relationship. One benefit of couples counseling is that you and your partner become better experts on each other. You can then be more understanding and compassionate towards relationship behaviors, that previously bothered or confused you.
7. You feel more confident that you can manage relationship conflict and have the skills to do so. Conflict is not bad in itself, but poorly managed relationship conflict is. Couples tend to let it get out of control or avoid it, making the issues blow up when they are finally brought up for discussion.
8. You both get clear about what is acceptable and unacceptable. BOUNDARIES. You know yours and your partners and respect and honor them. You negotiate boundaries that are flexible and know when you need to hold firm on a boundary.
9. You are able to share things with each other. Issues that you’ve been avoiding talking about or hoping would just go away. We might even share things that have been secrets for years, or that you fear will hurt your partner. You share these things because you know that when you lean into vulnerability within a safe relationship you create intimacy.
10. You, or your partner decide that your relationship has run its course and it’s time to part ways. WAIT?? Isn’t couples counseling supposed to help me fall back in love with my partner? Yes, it absolutely can. Counseling can help partners come to terms with their truth that maybe they are ready to make the hard decision to say goodbye. While this may seem like the opposite of what couples counseling should do. Being able to part ways with love and respect will allow you to grieve the end of the relationship and show up to your next relationship as healthy as possible.
To get the most out of time spent in counseling constantly ask yourself the question. How do I know couples therapy is working? then use this checklist to make sure you are maximizing your commitment and time. Interested in learning more about how couples counseling can help in your relationship? Contact me today HERE!
