Your Partner Just Discovered You Are Having an Affair. What do you do?

Your partner discovered you’re having an affair! Now what?

You could deny what they know to be true.  You might want to minimize their hurt and heartbreak, so you decide not to talk about it. Or worse– you justify your actions because you’ve been unhappy in the relationship. Or maybe you even blame your partner that you weren’t happy in the relationship, or getting the sexual intimacy you wanted. Or you could even threaten to leave the relationship.  

These things could hurt you and your partner even more, and make any potential of healing from the affair and rebuilding a stronger relationship impossible. Instead, take the following steps: 

Do’s

Know and accept that the discovery of your affair is completely rocking their world. They are in shock and disbelief, and at the same time filled with rage, hurt, and confusion.  

Continue to uphold your responsibilities with the home, the kids, financially, and with your partner. Now is not the time to unburden yourself of these commitments. 

Learn how to listen deeply to your partner’s pain and validate it. Accept and learn to tolerate their mood swings and range of feelings.  

Seek help from a professional counselor trained in marital counseling if you are deciding between staying in the current relationship, or leaving to be with your affair partner. 

Don’ts

Don’t deny what they know is true.  It does more damage for them to have discovered the truth and then be lied to even more.  Right now they have lost their ability to trust their gut, denying what they do know can cause even more damage to your relationship.  

Don’t focus on their feelings. Yes, your feelings matter too, but right now, you need to face the hurt you’ve caused someone that loved you.  

Don’t tell your partner you’ve ended your affair relationship if you haven’t. Rediscovering that the affair is ongoing, when you’ve said it’s over, causes more harm.

If you and your partner are in the aftermath of an affair and need help healing and deciding what the next steps are, CONTACT MY OFFICE to see if I’d be the right therapist for you.