What to Do After You Discover Your Partner Is Having an Affair

The Shock of Discovering an Affair

You just found out your partner is having an affair. The shock hits first, and then comes the wave of emotions: heartbreak, confusion, anger, dread. You may feel like your world has been turned upside down, unsure of what to do next or where to turn for help.

As a relationship therapist who has worked with hundreds of couples over more than a decade, I’ve seen how affairs and betrayals of all kinds impact relationships. Some couples ignore the problem, others get stuck in constant fighting, and some decide to face the crisis directly, working through the pain and deciding together whether to rebuild or part ways.

If you decide to end the relationship, couples therapy can still help you do so in a way that is emotionally mature and respectful. But right now, you don’t have to decide the future. The first step is to stabilize the crisis.

What to Do After Discovering an Affair

In the immediate aftermath, focus on protecting your well-being and creating stability.

Do:

• Accept that your relationship is in crisis, and during a crisis, the basics matter — sleeping, eating, keeping some kind of routine, seeking support from the right people, and caring for your children.
• Acknowledge your range of feelings. They are all normal.
• Trust your instincts if you suspected something was off and were told otherwise.
• Recognize that it’s normal to question trust right now and wonder if there’s more you don’t know.
• Get professional help as soon as possible. An experienced therapist who has worked with infidelity can help you take the right next steps.

What Not to Do After Discovering an Affair

While your emotions may be intense, certain actions can make things more difficult in the long run.

Don’t:

• Tell everyone. You need support, but if you choose to repair the relationship, some of those allies may not support you later.
• Panic or make drastic decisions. Focus on maintaining your day-to-day — getting the kids to school, eating if possible, and resting when you can.
• Skip therapy. If you don’t have a therapist, now is the time to find one.
• File for divorce immediately unless you are absolutely certain that’s what you want.
• Try to destroy your partner’s reputation, career, or relationship with their affair partner.
• Tell your children right away. This is not their burden to carry, and depending on their age, it may not be appropriate to share at all.

Moving Forward After an Affair

There’s a lot to navigate in the aftermath of infidelity, and it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. You may be considering reconciliation, separation, or something in between. You may still be in shock and simply trying to make it through each day.

If your relationship needs help navigating the days, weeks, and months after an affair, I can help you explore your options, create stability, and take steps toward healing, whether that means staying together or parting ways.

Contact me today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. We offer virtual couples therapy options, so whether you’re in Denver or anywhere else in the world, you can still get the relationship counseling support you need.